Film review by Rex Reed

I just got back from the Midnight Showing of the new flick, Black Friday and to be honest with you I have no idea what I just saw. Who wrote this script? It’s late so I’m going to write a short review and really try to give you an idea of what this movie is about. But like I said, I have no idea. 

So in a nutshell, Robert Beck, who some of you may know as Iceberg Slim and a notorious pimp and now author, stars in his first movie role. And guess what? He plays a pimp in this movie also. His name is Young Turkey. Whenever he walks down the street people always shout out in respect, “Young, dumb and full of gobble!”

Well anyway, if that’s not weird enough, Diahann Carroll from the beloved TV series, Julia plays the female pimp nemesis, Mama Too Tight. In a storyline too convoluted to explain to you, the average reader, basically Mama Too Tight lays a major con on Young Turkey and takes his entire stable of girls and becomes the most popular madame.

Young Turkey is very angry and in one scene that makes no sense, drinks an entire bottle of alcohol and then hallucinates like he did LSD. It’s 1973 people, not 1967! That’s when he meets the infamous singer, Screaming Jay Hawkins, famous for his song, “I Won a Spelling Bee”. 

Screaming Jay Hawkins asks Young Turkey what the problem is. After Young Turkey confesses his predicament, Screaming Jay Hawkins says, “You know what you need to do, you need to find the best bitch, the finest bitch…the ultimate bitch and trick her ass out.”

Young Turkey wakes up the next day and decides, and I’m not making this up readers, to trick out the Goddess Kali. At this point I don’t even know how to explain what, why or how. It would be easier to tell you where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. But Young Turkey, in a ritual in a graveyard meets Kali and convinces this ancient goddess to turn tricks for him; my apologies to the Hindu community. 

She’s so good at her job that by the end of the movie, Young Turkey is now the King of Pimps and Mama Too Tight for some reason stomps her feet and explodes in a ball of fire. Then Screaming Jay Hawkins comes out and sings a song about how Young Turkey put a pimp hand to some ancient four-armed goddess ho who wears a garland of johns around her neck and could jack four clients off and suck an entire neighborhood with that big, fat red tongue.

I will say this though, Robert Beck is a very fine actor and Diahann Carroll should get a better agent. 

Happy High Holiday, Black Friday from The Partridge Family Temple!

Movie poster by Whale Song Partridge

Film review transcribed by The Partridge in the Pear Tree 

Echo Valley 90210

Brenda Walsh’s crooked face smiles a crooked smile as she offers her brother Brandon a delicious green pear. Brandon’s blue eyes blink with Minnesota astonishment, “Brenda, you know mom said not to eat before dinner.”

Brenda bends over and whispers in her twin’s ear, “You never say that when I let you go down on me before breakfast.”

“Gee, Bren. I guess you got a point.”

And with that, Brandon Walsh bites into the juicy pear. As soon as he swallows, a booming voice shouts out, “BRANDON! DID YOU JUST SPOIL YOUR DINNER?”

The gigantic balding head of Jim Walsh breaks through the tree line and the tree shakes and the ground trembles as Jim Walsh wogs as quickly as possible into the backyard where he finds Brenda and Brandon cowering on the ground. 


Brenda cries out, “Are you going to take away the keys to the car?”

Brandon turns to his twin and says, “It’s my car.”

Jim Walsh bellows out louder, “NO.”

Reaching down, Jim Walsh strips Brandon from his blue t-shirt with rolled up sleeves and stone washed jeans. With a flick of his huge finger he rips off his Hanes underwear and Brandon quickly puts his hands over his private parts. 

Jim Walsh then rips the granny dress off of Brenda as well as her bra and panties and she now stands crookedly naked and Beverly Hills ashamed. Jim Walsh turns a brighter red and shouts, ‘I CAST YOU BOTH OUT.”

Brandon and Brenda slowly walk from the backyard towards the front of the street. People drive by laughing and pointing at the naked twins. Brandon quickly turns to Brenda and says, “We’ve got to find a phone, like quick!”

A friendly old movie producer who always loves to have Brandon mow his lawn with his shirt off invites them in to use the phone. They call Steve, Kelly, Donna and even David. But none of them offer to help. In fact they all have things to do that night. Dylan’s phone doesn’t even pick up but that’s to be expected since he started drinking again. 

Andrea Zuckerman picks up on the first ring and in one desperate second she’s arranged for her grandmother to pick up her unrequited true love and number one competition. 

The next day, Brandon and Brenda are given Andrea’s hideous hand-me-downs to wear and are offered something to eat. Andrea smiles and says, “This is an old Zuckerman recipe handed down from generation to generation.”

Upon hearing that, Brenda pukes a little bit in her mouth. Suddenly they hear a loud knock at the door. Andrea’s grandmother calls out, “Andrea, Mrs. Walsh is here to pick up Brenda and Brandon!”

The twins hop up quickly from the table and the untouched food. Cindy Walsh smiles on the front step saying, “It’s time to get you kids back home. I’ve made celery soup, tuna fish sandwiches with celery served on wheat berry bread and a nice pitcher of Lipton ice tea.”

Smiling they walk outside with their mother. Brenda notices that her mother’s car is nowhere to be seen. “Gee, where’s the car? Do you expect us to take the bus like Andrea Zuckerman?”

Cindy smiles and says, “It’s right there,” as she points to a 1957 Chevrolet 6800 Superior school bus.


Scrip-ture by The Partridge in the Pear Tree
Logo of God by Whale Song Partridge

Mother of God Pop!

On this Mother’s Day, the Partridge Family Temple All is Flowing Family of God would like to give thanks to one of the greatest mothers of all time; Corita Kent, the Mother of God Pop Art!

The God-freaks understand that to be like God, we must be like the Mother and constantly give birth to all things groovy, just like Corita Kent did. This was one nun who would never rap your knuckles and if she did, you’d probably hug her.

Millions of people are born and there’s never been another like her. She truly is a saint! She understood the esoteric meanings of advertisement and how they tie into God-Head.

So on this Mother’s Day, let’s remember our Mother who gave birth to us and all that is POP!

POP ART! by Whale Song Partridge!
POP COPY! by The Partridge in the Pear Tree!

Always Sit Indian-Style in Front of the TV

The Indian Head Test Pattern was a helpful reminder from Shirley Partridge that life is a television show; a beautiful illusion, also known as Maya, with real experiences. We don’t use the Indian Head Test Pattern anymore but many people remember it fondly.

The Indian chief wore a war bonnet. This was to symbolize the war between opposites, otherwise known as black & white TV. Chief means “head” and that’s where the Great War of black & white TV takes place. 

The All is Flowing Family of God practices Un-Yoga. One of the meditations is to turn the Indian Test Pattern on and listen to the sound which was modeled on a Tibetan singing bowl. If you do this correctly, soon all will be an Indian monoscope. – Pft!