The Partridge Family psychedelic bus pulls up to the college. Keith hops out and starts to unload his guitar and amp. A student volunteer comes out from the backstage door.
“Hi. My name is Trevor. I’m really happy you guys made it to the gig. I’ll get you guys loaded in and have you guys do sound check. And I’ll take you to your sleeping digs and let you rest before the gig tonight.”
Shirley says thank you and Tracy curtsies in her adorable peach and yellow sundress.
Later that night The Partridge Family clan are getting ready for the show backstage. Danny puts on a Viking outfit with a groovy helmet with horns. Shirley puts on a beautiful purple sari and a purple turban with a huge pink feather jutting out from a beautiful plastic green gem. Keith puts his buckskin Indian outfit on with face paint and a headband with an eagle feather. Chris puts on an adorable zulu costume and Tracy puts on a little Dutch girl outfit with wooden shoes. Laurie walks into the dressing room and her mouth falls open.
“What are you guys doing? You can’t dress that way and go on stage. You’ll flip everyone out. There’ll be a major head scene. And I mean really uptight.”
Shirley laughs, “Laurie, put your picket sign down. We’re here to play for six hours for a bunch of college kids who are high on LSD and who knows what else. And we’re gonna go out and play the best show we can. And we got these great costume outfits because they’re fun and it shows that everything is groovy and all is one in the gear scene. So quickly put your Geisha outfit on. I have some extra white face powder for you.”
“Mom – a Geisha? Are you nuts?!”
But finally Laurie puts it on. The gang do some warmups backstage and then they walk on stage to thunderous applause when the curtains open. And then the stage lights hit them and silence. A strange silence that lasts for just a few moments before the hysterical sobbing fills the auditorium.
Soon the entire audience is crying. Some of them are pounding their hands and feet on the gymnasium floor. Some of the long-hairs are grabbing their hair and pulling it out by the roots as they hyperventilate and collapse to the ground. In a matter of minutes the entire audience is holding up protest signs and screaming, “Get off the stage!”
Laurie turns and says to Shirley, “I told you, Mom! What were you thinking?”
Shirley looks at Laurie, laughs and says, “You were right. I’ll fix it.”
She walks up to the microphone, tells Keith to play a light little lick behind her. She tries to talk over the audience but they keep screaming. She says, “I’m sorry. But in my day and age if you didn’t agree with someone you’d invite them over and kindly have a discussion over a glass of pink lemonade.”
An ugly zit-faced student with thick black horn-rimmed glasses jumps onstage screaming, “You’re hurting me!”
Shirley turns to Danny and says, “Hurry up! Bring me the TV from the bus.”
Soon Danny has plugged the little TV in and sets it on top of a stool in the middle of the stage. He turns it on. Shirley walks up to the TV. Captain Kangaroo is crying because of something Mr. Green Jeans has said to him. She turns the channel and Nanny and the Professor are furiously smashing their living room to pieces. Shirley turns the channel again and it’s a jungle with a dirt road. Running down the dirt road is a naked girl who’s been hit by napalm. She keeps running up to the screen and then she climbs out of the screen and is standing in front of the audience.
A hush falls over the audience. The naked burnt Vietnamese girl walks to the front of the stage crying. Shirley walks to the microphone and says, “You should be ashamed of yourselves. You’re in college but you act like you’re two years old and that’s because you are. And that’s because you’re going through your terrible two’s. You should be one but instead you’re not comfortable with your two sides. And when you meet people who are comfortable with their two sides you get hung up because someone’s having a fun time. And that’s because your two sides need to be one and two at the same time and then throw number three in and then you are really having a groovy happening. But you can’t handle that and so you throw all that back on us and everyone else and make them miserable. But don’t worry. This little girl is going to give you something to cry about.”
And with that, the little Vietnamese girl jumps into the audience and teaches the college students about napalm, conflict and the law of the jungle.
Storybook fun by The Maytag Man
Illustration by Whale Song Partridge
Illustration by Whale Song Partridge
The Brown Goblins hang over the boat as it enters Albuquerque’s harbor. They hiss and grunt. Their tongues lull and rip upon their sharp yellow teeth. Soon they see through the mist a yellow orb flashing brightly.
The Captain of the ship turns around. He’s wearing a purple captains uniform with lemon yellow zip-up boots and gloves to match. He turns to the Brown Goblins and smiling says, “My name is Keith and it’s been a pleasure being your captain but we’re about to dock. I know it’s hard to see with all the mist but the gang plank will hit solid ground and if you follow that bright yellow light you’ll find where you need to go.”
The Brown Goblins howl and fall upon the Captain pulling his arm from it’s socket and throwing it in the air. As the other Brown Goblins fall upon him, ripping him apart the Captain dies with a huge, grinning teeth mouth soft and warm.
The Brown Goblins swarm onto dry land and they can hardly see. Then before them on a cobblestone path a red-headed freckled creature with a lantern shouts out, “Follow me! This is the way.”
In a matter of minutes the red-headed freckled creature is a red pool of blood and the lantern has been smashed to pieces. Then the Brown Goblins hear someone singing and sitting cross-legged on the ground is a teenage girl with long brown hair with a pink lotus for a mouth. She smiles and says, “Wow! You made it. I have no protest sign that says you can’t come on in.”
The Brown Goblins fall upon her and then screaming fall back. She stands before them now, floating a few feet off the ground naked and her body is orange. Her long brown hair swirls as if underwater. Her eyes are now orange. Like beams they shine the way further up the path where the yellow orb is flashing.
And then out of the mist there walks a beautiful lady with a blonde, shag hairdo. She’s wearing a dark green flowing robe and sandals made of the same colour. In one arm she holds a TV Guide and in her hand she holds a 7Up can lamp with a pulsing yellow light bulb.
The Brown Goblins howl and scream and smash their fists against the ground. But then the woman opens her mouth and the Brown Goblins stop their gnashing of teeth and fall. Quickly they are nothing but brown mist that rises up and disappears in the warm, psychedelic pulsating yellow light.
And then the woman sings the most beautiful song,
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breath free.
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Liberation Happening by Whale Song Partridge
TV Guide The Partridge in the Pear Tree
The Partridge Family Temple practices what we eat. Life is a world of opposites. Half Mordor, Half Lothlórien. And sometimes you have to eat that Mordor Sandwich on Wonder Bread with French’s mustard that Shirley made for you before you went to school. With golden apples for the Brown Goblin teachers in your back pocket.
Trading Card!: Whale Song Partridge
“Hey, man. Look at this Big Brother and the Holding Company poster. That would look really boss under a black light.”
Sally turns and smiles, “Yeah. Or what about that poster of that purple and blue cat…oh, wait a second…oh, wait! Hey, check out this poster of a man eating a hamburger.”
Donny turns around and says, “Wow! What’s it say?”
Sally squints and reads out loud, “Remember, the burger is not cooked until both sides are done.”
Donny nods his head and says, “Man, that’s really heavy. Who said that?”
A man with thick, black hair and a beard wearing all denim turns around and says, “Hey, man. That’s Sri Kroc. Have you cats read “The Secret of the Golden Arches”? It’s fantastic, man. Really, really fantastic. You should buy that poster and I think they’ve got the book here, too. Really good stuff.”
Later Sally and Donny stare at the poster hanging on the wall. The pink candle slowly melting throws beautiful shadows. In the corner Chocolate George starts crying. He wipes the snot from his nose and says, “Man, I really love the thousand sun franchise of God.”
Pft! poster by Pika Partridge
Slang by Shaunald McDonald
I know right now things seem overwhelming and out of control. What do you do at a time like this?
What can you do?
I mean really, at the end of the day, what are your options? Well, you can work yourself into a hysterical, irrational, emotional mess which seems to be in fashion right now or you can join an Un-Yoga studio.
What is Un-Yoga?
Un-Yoga is for the God-Freak on the Go. Some people think they need to go to an ashram or a retreat or an expensive meditation class in a far-away foreign land. But Un-Yoga doesn’t work that way. Because Un-Yoga understands that the office is an ashram. The over-crowded bus is an ashram. Going to the grocery store is an ashram. Being torn apart by Brown Goblins is an ashram.
We’re all drafted into the Late Great Planet Vietnam bestseller. But we also have another option and that’s to burn our Brown Goblin draft card.
Just because the conflict is around the corner doesn’t mean that you have to be.
Un-Yoga…It’s Somewhere in the Middle
Presentation in Peggy Olson’s voice for Pft!
Copy by The Partridge in the Pear Tree
Art by Whale Song Partridge
- !!!TV GOD POWER!!!
- Albuquerque Affirmations
- Albuquerque Is Coming Down Fast!
- All is Larry David, Larry David is All
- Anne Will Set You Frank!
- Honey, What's On God Tonight? I Don't Know. Look in the TV Guide.
- Is That Bobby Sherman? Oh My God, I Could Just Die!
- LIKE, HEY MAN. WHAT IS THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY TEMPLE?
- Lookin' For God in All the Right-On Places
- MOM & POP GOD SHOPPE: Partridge Freak Gear
- Nervous Mother Un-Driving
- Once Upon a Time, There Was a Holiday
- PARTRIDGE TO THE PEOPLE TURN ON!
- Pft! Trading Card Series
- THE ALL IS FLOWING FAMILY OF GOD
- THE GOD SCENE
- The Magic Kingdom of God Lies Within You!
- The Partridge Family Temple Cookbook of God
- The Partridge People Have Something To Say To You
- The Pineapple Queen Makes the Scene
- The Reuben Kincaid Sandwich of God with Extra Thousand Island and Pickle on the Side
- The Seven Rays of Kroc
- Umbrella Man, Do You Understand?
- We Are All Blind and Deaf to the God Scene