Children of the Un

“Nice hickeys”, Danny says out loud.

Laurie drops her buttered carrots to her plate and kicks Danny under the table. Tracy says, “What’s a hick, Danny?”

Danny laughs, “Not hick. Hickey!”

Laurie starts to get up to leave the dinner table and Shirley says, “Danny! Pipe down. And Laurie, you’re not leaving this table until you finish your carrot casserole.”

“But what’s a hick hickey, Mommy?” Tracy asks again.

Christopher puts his milk down and says, “I like cowboy movies.”

Shirley smiles, smoothes out the place setting and says, “A hickey is when a boy or a girl sucks on your neck because they are sexually excited and at the same time frustrated. Also, because humans are animals and we live in the animal kingdom, it’s a way of marking your mate or property.

Shirley looks concerned that her eldest son Keith is not at the table. “I wish your brother was here right now because he knows all about hickeys but he’s on a date with Suzanne.”

She turns to her eldest daughter, “Laurie honey, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Once upon a time even your mom had a hickey. And let me tell you, church socials that summer were very uncomfortable.”

Laurie smiles and starts to pick up her fork again to continue eating when Danny bursts out, “Was it Snake who gave you the hickeys or were you passed around a biker club for initiation?”

Danny has a sly, wicked look as he says this. Shirley looks puzzled and says, “But Snake’s on a run this summer. He hasn’t been in town for at least a month. Do you have a new steady, Laurie?”

Laurie looks uncomfortable and starts to fidget. Her face turns flushed with embarrassment and then Shirley realizes why Keith’s not at the dinner table. Shirley thought it was odd that Keith had an urgent date to go on when they planned this family dinner a week ago. After all she made a special Spoon Candy dessert for everyone.

Danny sticks his tongue out with crazed-eyed excitement. Laurie starts to get up again but Shirley says very calmly, “Laurie, please sit down. I have known this was going to happen for a long time. You’re sexually active and so is Keith and apparently you’re both sexually active together. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, I always hoped that one day, you and your brother would enjoy carnal knowledge.”

Shirley puts her strawberry Libby’s drink concoction on the table and continues, “Soon Laurie, you and Keith will become one. That is the goal of all ape insects; to resemble you, Laurie and your goofball of a brother. But to resemble both of you as one. You will no longer be Laurie or Keith. You will be Albuquerque. The Land of Enchantment. Everyone is on that bus but not everyone is going to arrive at that destination.”

Laurie bites her lip and says, “So what you’re saying Mom is me and Keith didn’t do anything wrong?”

Shirley shakes her blonde golden head and says, “No, Laurie you did do something wrong.”

Danny laughs and balls up his fists, his face exploding like a freckle furnace. Laurie puts her head down and mumbles, “Sorry, Mom.”

Right then the door opens and Keith walks in. Shirley says, “Keith, I’m going to have to ground you and Laurie.”

Keith throws his hands up and says, “Oh, man! What did I do this time?”

Shirley laughs and says, “It’s what you didn’t do. Alright, you two. You’re both grounded to my bedroom and you can’t leave until you both no longer exist. Next time I see you two, you better be Un!”

Christopher and Tracy laugh as Laurie starts to blush and Keith’s beige slacks start to strain with godlike excitement.

UN FACT: Ardhanarishvara is a nickname when Keith and Laurie have become Un and the same. 

Un is the Law by Whale Song Partridge
New Age teaching by The Partridge in the Pear Tree

The Fire House Interview: SOLID!

Underground newsletter Soul Club sat down with brothers A.E. Simon and Sam Simon at downtown Detroit’s The Fire House. Also present was Danny Partridge, bass player for the hit machine The Partridge Family.

SC: First of all I want to thank you cats for having me down to The Fire House.

Sam: Solid, brother.

A.E.: The Fire House is always open for motherfuckers.

Danny: Hey, do you got a nickel so I can buy a soda?

Sam: Danny, we already gave you a bunch of sodas.

A.E.: (laughing) Danny is just messin’ with you. He enjoys doing that. He’s been here all weekend.

SC: Well, thanks for having me down to The Fire House. Apparently this place has drawn a lot of heat, pardon the pun. What gives?

Sam: Well it’s a very simple situation. The world is extremely polarized right now to the point that it’s like watching a cartoon play over and over again.

SC: Yeah, things are heavy right now. What do you think we should do about it? How can we correct this imbalance?

A.E.: Well maybe we can correct this imbalance if we stop acting like motherfucking pussies. Like goddamn fuckin’ crybabies that can’t handle Mother fuckin’ Nature in all her motherfuckin’ glory.

Danny: (laughing)

Sam: A.E., C’mon. You shouldn’t’ be swearing around a ten-year-old kid.

Danny: Sam, I invented swearing. You have to remember I am a god.

Sam: Yeah, Danny you’re right. You are a god. One of those things it’s hard to wrap your head around.

SC: So how did you cats meet again?

Sam: There was a complete mess up. We thought The Temptations were going to do their thing but there was a miscommunication and The Partridge Family ended up showing up at The Fire House. We weren’t sure at first if they would go over well but everyone really got their groove on with The Partridge Family. Those cats are solid musicians.

A.E.: Not to mention Danny invented fire. So I thought, this is going to work out just fine.

SC: So with all these riots, protests and general unease what’s next for The Fire House?

Sam: You know The Fire House got their name because we’re a firehouse. But not only that it’s what we believe in. The great flame that burns away all the illusions and lies.

A.E.: Sometimes motherfucking forests have to burn so we have new growth.

Danny: My freckles are so hot I can incinerate the whole planet if I wanted to.

SC: Your mother is Shirley Partridge? She’s stone cold fox.

A.E.: Did you just call Danny’s mother a stone cold fuckin’ fox? How much weed you smoke today?

SC: Oh, man I didn’t mean no disrespect. I dropped a couple tabs of acid before cruising by.

Sam: That’s cool. This is the thing, right now everyone’s flipping out about old Tricky Dick being president. Everyone acting a fool. What they don’t realize is this is all supposed to happen. Nothing on this planet happens unless it’s supposed to. You like cancer?

SC: No, my grandfather died of cancer.

Sam: Well, cancer likes you. Cancer loves this whole planet. Loves to eat some good food!

A.E.: And that bitch cancer is always hungry. Lookin’ for a little taste all the time. You know why? Because that’s the way the cookie crumbles, motherfucker.

Danny: And I hate when cookies crumble. But what are you going to do? One day my mom cooked cancer in the kitchen and left it on the windowsill for everyone to eat.

Sam: Basically what we’re saying is everyone is blaming Nixon for this and that. And there’s sure a mess of blame that we can lay on his doorstep. But one thing we cannot lay on his doorstep is the sin of being imbalanced. When you let your emotions stoke that confusion fire the only thing cooking is sleepwalking fools.

SC: But people have a right to be angry and protest.

A.E.: But motherfuckers don’t have a right to be idiots! All these fools talking about free speech, anti censorship. Man, these fuckers are the first to do it. If they only looked in the mirror they’d see that pig looking back at them. They’d see that pig looking back at them with that oink oink truncheon.

Danny: I always wonder why people that hate cops so much act just like them. Maybe they ate too many jive turkey sandwiches.

A.E.: Danny, there ain’t no thing called a jive turkey sandwich. But I’m hip to your rap.

Sam: All we’re saying in this firehouse, we burn away all that insect tree rot. The tree that grows in the firehouse is the most beautiful tree that you’ve ever seen. And it grows right in the middle and supports the roof. And this firehouse will never be divided. You dig?

SC: Man, I think the acid is kicking in. Whoa………

End of Side One

Interview transcribed by The Partridge in the Pear Tree
Partridge to the People! poster by Whale Song Partridge

Pow WOW!

EVERYONE IS A PRISONER OF WAR WHEN THEY DON’T WORSHIP SHIRLEY PARTRIDGE!

Happy International Women’s Day from The Partridge Family Temple Pft!

Slogan by: The Partridge in the Pear Tree
Pft! poster by: Whale Song Partridge

UN-QUESTION: What is the esoteric meaning of a female cook hitting a man on the head with a rolling pin?

SILENCE=GOLD

Mauna Pft! Visual Imagery by Whale Song Partridge

Shhhhhh by The Partridge in the Pear Tree