Remember That Disney is a Dark Ride

They started gathering a few days ago and by now there are thousands in their ranks with their blow horns and protest signs which say, ‘Down With Disney’. Their chanting rises in the air, bouncing off the walls of the Magic Kingdom. “Who’s Main Street USA? Our Main Street USA!”

Then things get ugly. Rocks, bricks and other projectiles are thrown at the Disneyland employees causing them to have to retreat behind the safety of the Magic Kingdom’s doors. Still they come with long ladders and soon they’re spilling over the walls in vast, horrible numbers.

The Disneyland employees who don’t find safety in time are beaten as the agitators scream, “Death to imagination! Death to myth! Death to creativity!”

Then they start to deface the attractions with spray paint and black tar. The first thing to go up in a blaze is the Enchanted Tiki Room. An eerie silence fills the air. Someone points, “What’s that on top of the Matterhorn?”

A hideous be-speckled youth shouts, “Is that a man riding a horse down the Matterhorn?”

“Wait! I think that’s Walt Disney riding down on a horse,” shouts back a fat, pig-nosed goof.

A mean-spirited, eagle-eyed agitator points out, “Wait, that’s not Walt Disney riding a horse, that’s a centaur. The upper half is Walt Disney and the bottom half is a horse’s body.”

A grotesque, gray creature shouts, “It must be fake! There’s no such thing as centaurs. Everything here is fake. It’s all artifice and lies.”

The creature disappears into the Matterhorn and the monsters continue to destroy with lazy, entitled ugliness. Someone again shouts, “Wait! There’s that horse person again.”

Standing there quietly is Walt, his hair perfectly groomed, his mustache a blinding trademark of comfort and warmth. He wears no shirt and his body is smooth and muscular, the remaining half is the body of a powerful war horse. Walt grabs a gigantic bow through which he slowly threads a large black arrow with red feathers. His voice booms out, “Who defiles my Magic Kingdom and why?”

The crowd hideously giggles and mockingly says, “There’s nothing magic here. This is plastic land, a place that confuses innocent children. We’re here to rectify this and usher in a new world of reason.”

The crowd starts chanting again, “Who’s Main Street USA? Our Main Street USA!”

With that they start throwing trash cans and molotov cocktails through the windows of the picturesque buildings on Main Street USA. Walt asks again, “Why do you do this?”

A strange, little bow-legged creature runs up, licking his lips with a torch in his hands and croaking says, “We hate imagination.”

Walt looks at the creature, smiles sadly. He lets the shaft fly from his bow and it hits the creature in the throat with such force that it’s picked up off the ground. It flies into the air and then slams back down, piercing the head of a man and woman standing behind, all three connected by one arrow. They fall to the ground, blood pooling around them.

People start to scream, throwing rocks and anything they can get their hands on, but Walt calmly fires arrow after arrow. Someone screams out, “His quiver’s almost empty!”

Walt laughs and shouts loudly, “Fools. Your quiver is never empty when you have imagination and you’ve eaten a hardy bowl of chile for lunch or dinner!”

With that, each new arrow he feeds his bow is different. Some are made of lightening. Some are blue, cartoon wood with pink tips that after finding their target, sprout wings and fly into the air seeking out more targets. Some arrows are made out of heavy iron. Some are the purest glass and some Walt puts to mouth and blows flame on, causing them to ignite.

Still they come. As the horde surrounds Walt, they can see that he’s tired, sweat drips from his brow and his hair hangs in his face. His horse hide glistens with blood from some of the thrown projectiles. A woman who looks like a baboon mixed with a donkey screams, “Let’s kill him and then burn this place to the ground! Disney Princesses are toxic and deform our children’s minds!”

Disney whistles and in a matter of moments standing there are Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. The Seven Dwarves come up behind them and quickly offer them weapons. Snow White takes a small ax, Cinderella, a morning star and Sleeping Beauty, two sharp silver daggers. Snow White grabs the baboon donkey woman and with the most beautiful smile and voice says, “The only toxic thing here is you.”

With that, she takes her ax and cuts the woman’s head off and blood coats Snow White’s face as her Whistle While You Work smile spreads from ear to ear. The mob starts screaming with confusion but it’s done. Walt, the Seven Dwarves and his three muses attack with great muster. The crowd falls back and starts to flee but Walt doesn’t stop shooting his bow, arrow after arrow.

The new moon has risen and is reflected in the bloody streets of Disneyland, like a moon upon a beautiful red lake. Dumbo flies overhead making sure that no one has escaped. He then lands and Timothy Q. Mouse says, “Geez, Walt. That’s one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. Things shouldn’t be that way at Disneyland”, his mouth quivering as he starts to choke up.

Dumbo also looks sad and his ears droop forward. Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty smile as they lick the blood off their skin and clothes. Walt is weary as he slicks back the hair that has fallen over his face and says, “Don’t worry, little Timothy. Those aren’t really people. They’re Audio-Animatronics that my Imagineers created. They think they have free will but they don’t. They’re a bunch of Pinnochios. You want to know a secret? I’m also an Audio-Animatronic and if we try hard enough, we can all become real boys when we spend the night in Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. Now this war is just a test. But trust me, Timothy Q. Mouse, there’s a real war coming on the way-out and the way-in and all who sing, ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ will be persecuted.”

Timothy Q. Mouse looks up, “I don’t like the sound of that at all.”

Walt smiles as he places his bow over his back and says, “Don’t worry, Timothy. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that God is a Sagittarius?”

The Partridge Family Temple All is Flowing Family of God would like to thank our Sat-Guru, Walt Disney for being hatched on December 5th, 1901.


Disneyland Dark Ride poster by Whale Song Partridge 
Park hopper ticket instructions by The Partridge in the Pear Tree

Three is the Magic Number

Danny sits in the corner reading Mad Magazine, but not really. Shirley made a bundt cake with butterbrickle frosting. It didn’t really help and only Reuben ate a slice and even then he didn’t finish it. Christopher stares out the window at the rain that never seems to stop. They were all stuck inside. Usually rainy days were fun, especially when your mother was the Creator of the Universe.

But this time it was different. Keith wasn’t there to try out a new song or ask Laurie what a good organ fill would be. Most obviously missing was Danny and Keith’s banter back and forth. Shirley sadly whips the potatoes as she remembers how Danny and Keith would mercilessly go back and forth with each other until she felt she had reached the breaking point.

And now she misses it. What she would give to see Keith smash his acoustic guitar on Danny’s head, causing him to scream and fall on the carpet, staining it with his freckled blood. Christopher keeps staring out the window as the rain falls. Laurie hasn’t left her bedroom but just keeps writing “I Can Feel Your Heartbeat” on her fogged up window, as tears spill down onto her David Cassidy pillowcase.

Tracy is in a cold tunnel. She can hardly find her way and keeps stubbing her toes and falling on her knees. She cries for her mother but her voice just echoes off the tunnel walls. And then she sees a rabbit with beautiful, fluffy yellow fur and bright, orange glowing eyes. It starts to hop away and Tracy follows as best as she can, hoping that the rabbit will lead her out of the gray, cold tunnel. She runs as fast as her little feet can move but eventually she loses sight of the rabbit.

As she collapses on her hands and knees sobbing, she feels
something. At first she thinks it’s a raisin and she’s hungry. But then she holds it to her nose and realizes it’s bunny droppings. She smiles in the dark with understanding and slowly, carefully makes her way along the tunnel floor, her fingers searching for more fertility feces.

She keeps finding it which guides her further and further up the tunnel system. And then the pellets stop. Tracy starts to cry in the dark. And as she cries, she notices that the rain has stopped even though it wasn’t raining in the tunnel and then she opens her eyes realizing it was just a dream.

Sun streams through her bedroom window as her face slowly smiles and she whispers under her breath, “Good morning, Keith.”


Westword article about the passing of our Lord & Savior

The Process of the Partridge

This fantastic holiday picture of Laurie Partridge dressed as a pilgrim pops up every Thanksgiving. It’s a wonderful photograph. Susan Dey has always been a stunner. Ugly can’t hold gorgeous down. Of course, it tries. That’s it’s job. The Partridge Family Temple’s job is to spread the Gospel of Point Me in the Direction of Albuquerque.

Laurie Partridge dresses like a pilgrim to remind us that we are all pilgrims with staff in hand and scallop shell on our tunic or cloak. Each of us has a path that leads to the Land of Enchantment. So the Pft! invites you to put on your best pilgrim outfit and get on the brightly painted school bus and hit the road traveling free and easy!

Happy Thanksgiving from The Partridge Family Temple All is Flowing Family of God.

UN-FACT: In The Pilgrims Progress by John Bunyan, there is a palace that serves as a respite for pilgrims on their way to the Celestial City called House Beautiful, otherwise known as Casa Bonita. The Pilgrims Progress came out in 1678. Casa Bonita opened up in 1974. Coincidence?