Brenda Walsh’s crooked face smiles a crooked smile as she offers her brother Brandon a delicious green pear. Brandon’s blue eyes blink with Minnesota astonishment, “Brenda, you know mom said not to eat before dinner.”
Brenda bends over and whispers in her twin’s ear, “You never say that when I let you go down on me before breakfast.”
“Gee, Bren. I guess you got a point.”
And with that, Brandon Walsh bites into the juicy pear. As soon as he swallows, a booming voice shouts out, “BRANDON! DID YOU JUST SPOIL YOUR DINNER?”
The gigantic balding head of Jim Walsh breaks through the tree line and the tree shakes and the ground trembles as Jim Walsh wogs as quickly as possible into the backyard where he finds Brenda and Brandon cowering on the ground.
“OKAY, YOU TWO. YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR NOW.”
Brenda cries out, “Are you going to take away the keys to the car?”
Brandon turns to his twin and says, “It’s my car.”
Jim Walsh bellows out louder, “NO.”
Reaching down, Jim Walsh strips Brandon from his blue t-shirt with rolled up sleeves and stone washed jeans. With a flick of his huge finger he rips off his Hanes underwear and Brandon quickly puts his hands over his private parts.
Jim Walsh then rips the granny dress off of Brenda as well as her bra and panties and she now stands crookedly naked and Beverly Hills ashamed. Jim Walsh turns a brighter red and shouts, ‘I CAST YOU BOTH OUT.”
Brandon and Brenda slowly walk from the backyard towards the front of the street. People drive by laughing and pointing at the naked twins. Brandon quickly turns to Brenda and says, “We’ve got to find a phone, like quick!”
A friendly old movie producer who always loves to have Brandon mow his lawn with his shirt off invites them in to use the phone. They call Steve, Kelly, Donna and even David. But none of them offer to help. In fact they all have things to do that night. Dylan’s phone doesn’t even pick up but that’s to be expected since he started drinking again.
Andrea Zuckerman picks up on the first ring and in one desperate second she’s arranged for her grandmother to pick up her unrequited true love and number one competition.
The next day, Brandon and Brenda are given Andrea’s hideous hand-me-downs to wear and are offered something to eat. Andrea smiles and says, “This is an old Zuckerman recipe handed down from generation to generation.”
Upon hearing that, Brenda pukes a little bit in her mouth. Suddenly they hear a loud knock at the door. Andrea’s grandmother calls out, “Andrea, Mrs. Walsh is here to pick up Brenda and Brandon!”
The twins hop up quickly from the table and the untouched food. Cindy Walsh smiles on the front step saying, “It’s time to get you kids back home. I’ve made celery soup, tuna fish sandwiches with celery served on wheat berry bread and a nice pitcher of Lipton ice tea.”
Smiling they walk outside with their mother. Brenda notices that her mother’s car is nowhere to be seen. “Gee, where’s the car? Do you expect us to take the bus like Andrea Zuckerman?”
Cindy smiles and says, “It’s right there,” as she points to a 1957 Chevrolet 6800 Superior school bus.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY FROM THE PFT!
Scrip-ture by The Partridge in the Pear Tree
Logo of God by Whale Song Partridge