June 26, 2012

Umbrella Man, Do You Understand?

You have a very beautiful umbrella. Thanks. My Mother gave it to me. Who’s your mother? You know Keith Partridge? Shirley’s dreamy son? Yeah, that cat’s mom. Wow. He’s really groovy. Did you ever turn-on with him? No. But his little brother Danny got me high. What did he get you high on? The Shadow Scene! What’s that?

The Partridge Family Temple loves the Sun. Flashbulbs, lanterns, candles, strobe lights and God. People seem to say they love God. That God is love and light, which is probably is true at the end of the great, TV sitcom episode. But, we at The Temple, also understand that the Sun blows your mind with shadows. You can’t have fun without the other. Everything horrible, hideous, horrifying was created by Something. For all we know, cancer could very well be God’s favorite creation. It’s perfect, isn’t it? The way it does it’s thing. It’s kind of like the Energizer Bunny; it keeps going and going and going. 

Do you still think that God is Love? We do! Why? Because we believe that Shirley Partridge is the Mother of All Things Great and Small. We understand that it becomes a real drag to deal with the Heavy Matter Scene day after day. And some days you don’t want shadow and cookies. But Mom places them down on the TV tray, smiles and pats you on the head. You smile back and ask for seconds. The TV of God has many channels. Some good, some bad. But you really need to watch all of them. If it helps, make some Jiffy Pop. 

Posted by on June 26, 2012 in Umbrella Man, Do You Understand?.

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June 26, 2012

The Pineapple Queen Makes the Scene

The people stare in the sky as a meteorite falls to Earth. It slams into the park a few blocks away. The people run up to it. In a smoking crater is a gigantic boulder that is cracked in half. Out of it crawls a shadowy figure. It finds it’s footing and walks up to the crowd. Flashlights illuminate the Being.

Standing before them is an adorable six-year old blonde girl wearing a green dress with puffy white sleeves and adorable red, patent leather shoes. Atop her golden tresses sits a proud silver tiara. She’s bare foot and as she walks, flowers spring from her toes and fill the night air with flower magic, which amazes the people because it’s the dead of winter.

She bows before the throng and says, “Does anyone have a can opener? I have a whole crate of Dole Pineapple Chunks that I’d love to share with you.”

People shrink back in fear. Someone screams, “We have no can opener for you, Demon!”

The radiant child laughs and says, “Boy this is a tough crowd. I’ll be here all night but it won’t be out of sight because we won’t be eating fruit made out of delight.” 

Finally a voice cries out, “I have a can opener!” croaks a bum.  

The child smiles and says, “Thank you, kind sir.” 

The hobo walks up and gives the can opener to the Child from the Boulder. She promptly pulls out a can of Dole Pineapple Chunks and opens it, handing it to the kind trampoline of God. “Here. You get the first can.”

He puts it to his dry, hungry lips and starts gulping the Dole pineapple chunks and it’s juice. The crowd draws back screaming, “LEAVE! Don’t feed the bums!”

The bum smiles and sits down in the snow. Grass starts to grow beneath him and then the grass starts to grow all over his body. And as this happens, he starts to grow bigger and bigger until he’s over twenty feet tall. And then flowers explode all over his body and a few small trees. He no longer looks like a human being. Just a gigantic moving mountain with arms and legs. His mouth opens and is now a cave out of which a mountain goat leaps. It climbs to the top of his mountain head.

The little blonde girl smiles and the living mountain puts his left hand down onto the ground so she can walk upon it. He raises her to the top of his head and sets her next to the mountain goat. At that moment the mountain goat’s eyes turn to golden search lights and scan the people below them. Then they turn off. The girl climbs on the mountain goat’s back and on they go into the cave which shuts behind them. The gigantic, green, flower-encrusted mountain creature turns around and slowly walks down Pearl Street and into the mountains.

 

Posted by on June 26, 2012 in The Pineapple Queen Makes the Scene.

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June 26, 2012

PARTRIDGE TO THE PEOPLE TURN ON!

711433_10151224784239033_726100275_nThe Partridge Family Temple was an egg that fell from Heaven, in 1970. It hatched the summer of 1988. The Partridge Temple has gone through many set changes. The actors involved have all played different parts in the Partridge Family Temple sitcom of God.  Sometimes the character is perfect. Other times there need to be re-writes. 

The Partridge Family is the ground you build your Temple upon. Once you get the family down, you can add on whatever thing that Turns you On. You really have to do your own God-thing.

For me, The Partridge Family is a family I live with twenty-four hours a day. But also in that house is JonBenet Ramsey, Tracy’s best friend. The Goatfish Man lives out in the garage. Anne Frank crashes in their attic. Helen Keller helps Shirley with the housekeeping.

And after a concert, everyone goes to McDonald’s. Shirley always goes to the basement with Ray Kroc. Weird lights glow from the basement. People say the French fries are the best on those nights. Bobby Sherman stops by and has long conversations deep into the night with Danny about Time.

The blonde Christopher pulls out his Parker Brothers Ouija Board and contacts the brown-haired Christopher, who explains you have to wear your boots made of lead before you have a golden head. And if your mother doesn’t buy you a pair of lead boots at Target, for back to school, you’ll have to rake leaves or borrow money from Danny.

Reuben Kincaid climbs up Mount Shasta. He takes his clothes off and paints his body red. He then drinks an entire six-pack of 7-Up. When the un-carbonation kicks in, the storm clouds that have been building shoot lightning bolts that he eats with his mouth. Thus, setting up tour dates for the Partridge Family.

Mr. Whipple wishes the world was One roll of toilet paper and he was squeezing it. God wakes up and says, “Time to make the Dunkin’ Donut Man”, who says, “Time to make the donuts.”

Adam Sleek wakes up and finds that he’s become a wild boar. He roams the forests of Hawaii. Tony Soprano realizes while on peyote in the desert that the Mother is the Bus Driver. Then he realizes no, the Mother is the Bus. And the Bus brings us into this world and drops us off at school. We’re forever trying to get on that Bus. But that’s not the right Bus. Tony Soprano was close to getting it. The right bus is the Great Mother, Shirley Partridge.

The Partridge Family Temple is a gateway cult to get you hooked on harder Gods. The ones that sing, “The Best Part of Waking Up, Is the New Forever In Your Cup”.

Would you like to wake up with a freshly percolated cup of coffee served by Laurie Partridge?

I know I would. “Two sugar cubes, please.”

 

 

Posted by on June 26, 2012 in Partridge to the People Turn On!.

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June 26, 2012

Once Upon a Time, There Was a Holiday

The Partridge Family Temple lives in the Now, 24-hours a day. We also like to celebrate extra groovy holidays. Here’s a list:

Easter: High Temple Holiday. This is to the Temple what Hanukkah is to the Jew Set. Christmas for the Christmas Freaks, Ramadan for the Muslim Session. You get the picture. What is Easter? All we know is that eggs are involved and that’s God enough for us. 

Altamont: We at the Temple, understand that a breakfast table isn’t complete without salt and pepper. This is our great goddess, Nature worship Session. You can have all the groovy intentions in the World for peace and love. But at the end of the day, Nature wears an iron glove, and she doesn’t pull punches. I wonder if people wore a flower in their hair in San Francisco after the 1906 Earthquake. 

Casa Bonita Day: Celebrated on Cinco de Mayo. Casa Bonita is the high, holy pink Spanish castle in Lakewood, Colorado. The Temple has been organizing spiritual, All-You-Can-Eat Retreats there since the late ’80’s. The Temple was always bummed out after the holidays after Easter,  so we decided to add another major one in the Spring. We celebrate the Great Work that is Casa Bonita by eating cheese enchiladas, making homemade sopapillas, taco platters and guacamole. Shirley painted Casa Bonita pink for a reason.

Walt Disneyland: You can celebrate this on July 18th, when the park opened or on his birthday, December 5th. Either one will do, as long as you realize this is the closest you’ll ever get to God on this Blue Marble. 

The Golden Arches of Ray Kroc: This is celebrated on April 15th when Ray opened his first McDonald’s in Des Plaines, Illinois. Or on his birthday, October 5th. You go to McDonald’s or you can get in the lotus position and realize your lungs look like the Golden Arches and imagine a round cheeseburger for “O” and a gigantic, gold “M”. 

 

Posted by on June 26, 2012 in Once Upon a Time, There Was a Holiday.

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