The Partridge Family Temple

Shirley sits cross-legged wearing a long flowing purple robe. It’s springtime and everybody’s outside in the green, green grass. Many spiritual seekers have come to see the mother of Keith Partridge. Shirley positions herself comfortable on the large purple and pink swirled pillow she sits on. Orange creamsicle incense wafts into the sky. She smiles at her audience.

A young lady raises her hand. “Yes, child. What is your question?”

The thin blonde woman stands and asks, “Do you think that if everyone did meditation that one day there would be world peace?”

Shirley smiles and says, “Mediation is very groovy but there is no such thing as world peace and there never will be. And any guru or spiritual leader who tells you that is either mentally ill or a liar. However, inner peace is a possibility. But that’s up to you. And that’s out of my hands even though I’m God.”

A curly brown-haired man raises his hand. “How can we stop all this war? There’s so much death. I’m so uptight. Every time I turn the TV on it’s something negative, man. We need to wake the people up. They’re being brainwashed by the people in positions of power.”

The man starts to cry. Shirley smiles again and says, “Everything is perfect. Everything is as it should be. And this world was designed for many things and conflict is one of the top ten TV shows on planet Earth. Just remember, millions of years ago on this planet there were dinosaurs. Some of them were herbivores and the others were carnivores that would eat the herbivores. Isn’t that beautiful? Doesn’t that answer every question you could ever possibly have about Mother Nature and the whole Existence Trip?

Also, brainwashing is beautiful. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Perhaps you’ve heard this before. Also, Laurie and Danny placed the people in positions of power there. They’re like the dinosaurs that eat meat. They were designed to do that and they do a wonderful job. Everything that happens is supposed to happen even when it’s not supposed to happen.”

A woman stands up sobbing, “Why are there so much horrible TV shows nowadays? There’s no more Bewitched or Beverly Hillbillies or Major Dad. What can we do?”

Shirley claps her hands once and says, “Child of the sobbing tears, all TV is good TV it’s just the way you look at it. It’s all about the channel you’re on and if you have an up-to-date TV Guide. If you can’t find a good television program to watch you need to look at your inner TV Guide.”

Everyone starts to clap and chant. A woman and man approach Shirley with a basket of money “Here, oh Mother of the Universe we make this offering for you to help feed the hungry.”

Shirley nods and takes the basket of money. She then pulls out a bottle of Thousand Island dressing from her purple suede pocket book and a box of garlic croutons. She pours the entire bottle over the basket of money and then adds the croutons. Christopher who’s sitting behind her, hands her a plastic spork and then before she starts eating she says, “Oh, thank you. I’m ever so hungry.”

And then she eats her delicious green salad and children starve in different pockets of the world but today Shirley Partridge is full and all is Right-On.

Shirley rubs the young girl’s head. She is sickly, wrapped in a warm blanket. Shirley strokes her auburn hair. The little child smiles and says, “Why did you bring me to this park?”

Shirley pops a lemon lozenge and says, “Do you like all the autumn leaves before you?”

“Yes. The forest is glowing with fall excitement. It’s so strange. Fall is one of the most beautiful times of the year but once the leaves fall it’s wintertime.”

Shirley strokes the young girl’s cheek, “Yes. Do you know why that is? “

“No”, the sweet pink mouth whispers.

“Because you’re dying. You have an advanced form of cancer; one of the most beautiful things that the Great King ever invented. You are withering and soon shall die. The reason the leaves turn all those beautiful reds, browns, yellows, oranges and pinks is because death is beautiful. After winter comes spring and all the leaves sing. Why should it be any different for death? Shouldn’t death be heralded by beauty? The crispness of fall is like death pinching you on your little cheek. Soon, you will stand up and you will no longer feel frail but strong and you’ll see that autumn forest yawning before you. And the fall leaves will smell like spring and yet autumn at the same time. And you will strip your clothes from your body and run naked into the autumn forest and you will never come here again nor would you ever want to.”

The little girl smiles and says, “Why do the leaves turn those colors?”

“Well, for many different reasons, dear child. But the one I hold dear to my breast is that Buddhist monk’s robes are brown, orange and yellow, symbolizing the leaves of autumn. And like the leaves of autumn that one day must fall, you should be like them. One day let go and fall slowly to the floor below.”

And with that the wee child coughs one last time and shutters no more.