FBI: How long have you been a member of The Partridge Family Temple?
Pft!: Me? I already told you. The Partridge Family Temple doesn’t exist. It’s a figment of your imagination.
FBI: What about The All is Flowing Family of God?
Pft!: Like I said. Doesn’t exist. Partridge Family Temple, All is Flowing Family of God…you’re barking up the wrong chestnut tree.
FBI: We’ve done wire taps. We’ve listened to the phone calls. We’ve seen the propaganda that Whale Song Partridge designs. You’re saying that’s a figment of our imagination?
Pft!: With all due respect, maybe you wire-tapped a Brown Goblin cave.
FBI: Very funny. Now that you’ve brought it up, let’s talk about Brown Goblins.
Pft!: I’d rather not.
FBI: Why not?
Pft!: Because it’s not fun talking about uptight squares. After all, I’m already talking to one.
FBI: You’re just making this hard on yourself. You can take your jabs, your cheap shots…but we know The All is Flowing Family of God branch of The Partridge Family Temple does exist and is trying to spread the Gospel of TV God Power.
Pft!: TV God Power? Hey, I like TV like anyone else but now I’m wondering if you’re a figment of my imagination. Maybe you’re a Brown Goblin.
FBI: Maybe you’re a Brown Goblin.
Pft!: Oh, I know I’m a Brown Goblin. Everyone you meet is a Brown Goblin. But that’s the thing. How long you gonna be a Brown Goblin?
FBI: What to you mean? How long are you going to be a Brown Goblin? You messing with us?
Pft!: Nah. I have nothing to do with your figment of your imagination. That’s all you. I wish I could help. I’m a very helpful person.
FBI: We know you exist. We’ve been wire-tapping you since the Summer of 1988 and we have quite the dossier. We’re going to put the screws to you. Shut your whole God-Freak trip down.
Pft!: Go ahead! Like to see you shut down something that doesn’t exist.
FBI: I’ll let you listen to a wire tap we recorded a few years ago by someone with the code name Tony the Tiger. Apparently he was obsessed with Kellogg’s cereal which to be honest with you seems a little strange.
(recording) “This is gonna sound stupid, but I saw at one point that our mothers are… bus drivers. No, they are the bus. See, they’re the vehicle that gets us here. They drop us off and go on their way. They continue on their journey. And the problem is that we keep tryin’ to get back on the bus, instead of just lettin’ it go.”
FBI: What does that mean? I can’t get it out of my mind. I don’t know if it’s gibberish or…
Pft!: Oh, he’s talking about Shirley Partridge! She’s the Great Mother who we all serve. We’d all take a bullet in the back of the head for her. In fact, she has a bullet for all of us with our names on it and we look forward to taking that bullet ‘cause we don’t fear death anymore. ‘Cause death is just another way of saying “good morning” as you grab the newspaper and drink your cup of coffee.
FBI: So I have you on record saying The Partridge Family Temple is in fact a real organization?
Pft!: Of course. This far-out thing of ours has always existed and will always exist. But some people will never get their button.
FBI: What does that mean?
Pft!: Hey! I’m thirsty. What’s it take to get a 7-Up in here?
Evidence: Whale Song Partridge
Transcript: The Partridge in the Pear Tree
