The Reuben Kincaid Sandwich of God with Extra Thousand Island and Pickle on the Side
Reuben wakes up naked on his shag carpet living room floor. He smells the puke in his hair and realizes as he stretches his legs that they’re coated with dried shit. He groans. Then hears loud squeals of joy coming from his bedroom. His fuzzy, foggy brain starts to put the pieces together from the night before. He remembers going to his favorite bar and picking up two gorgeous stewardesses. One with a short, brown pixie hairdo. The other with long, delicious honey-blonde hair down to her shoulders. He remembers coming back to his apartment and then more drinking. The last thing he remembers, is remembering that he had some quaaludes on him. His head throbs.
He slowly pulls himself to his feet and stumbles to his bedroom door which is half open. He freezes. On his bed are the two stewardesses from last night, naked and sweat gleaming. Fucking both of them is a ten-year-old, freckle-faced red head. The boy has his right hand up the blonde’s pussy and he is fucking the brunette from behind. Their eyes are glazed and rolling in the back of their head. Reuben thinks to himself, “I’ve never seen a chick do that before.”
At that moment, the red-headed imp stops and slowly turns and stares at him. Reuben croaks, “Who are you? How’d you get in my apartment?”
The red-freckled creature smiles. Loud, slurpy sucking sounds fill the air as he withdrawals his hand and shaft from the stewardesses. His freckled brilliance gleams wet with hot fuck sweat. Reuben takes note of the disturbing red pubic hair and freckles at the base of his penis. “Hi. My name’s Danny. Danny Partridge. Me and my family have a band and I think you’re the guy to manage us. You know booking gigs, media, money. Lots and lots of money. And things like this.” He nods his head towards the stewardesses.
Reuben is confused. “How did you even find my house? Who do you think you are even coming in here?”
Danny smiles. “I’m Danny Partridge. I chose you specifically. Mom’s not sure, Keith’s flaky and my sister Laurie is probably balling some biker right now. But you’re the one. So anyway, here’s the address. Come by our house and watch us practice and we’ll discuss your fee.”
Reuben bellows, “You have a hell of a lot of nerve, kid. I’m calling the cops right now.”
Danny laughs and says, “I don’t think you should do that.”
Reuben counters, “Why? What are you going to do?”
Danny closes his eyes, clenches his hands and his head rolls back as black, thick smoke pours from his mouth. Reuben smells something burning. It’s coming from his bedroom. He turns around and looks into the room and sees two piles of burning and twisting corpses slowly lighting the bed on fire as they collapse into it. Their disembodied shrieks fill the air. Danny turns back to Rueben and says, “Oh, by the way. Did I mention I’m a God?”
Saturday afternoon, Reuben Kincaid sits in the Partridge’s living room talking to Shirley. As they drink coffee and eat coffee cake Shirley asks, “So how did you come to hear about us? We haven’t played any shows yet. To be quite honest with you, I’m a little nervous.”
Reuben replies, “I’ve an ear for talent. I was driving down the street, heard you guys practicing and I kept driving around the street. I’m in the entertainment industry and I can tell talent when I hear it.”
Danny slowly walks in from the den. “Who’s this, Mom?”
Shirley turns and smiles. “Oh, I believe this is our new manager. Reuben Kincaid, this is my son Danny.”