Who’s your Mommy? Give up? God. And what’s God’s name? Shirley Partridge!

It begins and ends with Shirley. She hatched you in her honey comb hideout. We don’t need to hide anymore. Shirley loves her children. Her children are made of light. And light should shine brightly in the Heavy Matter Scene. Since the dawn of Bobby Sherman, Shirley has been there serving you fun-minute eggs for breakfast and packing your lunchbox with Hostess fruit pies of good and evil. She always sings, “A balanced lunch makes a balanced Partridge.”

Some neighborhood children are playing Cowboys and Indians in the field by the creek. All of a sudden, Charlie, who’s chubby and is wearing full-faceprint and a headdress, trips. And instead of falling onto the ground, he falls into it. His three other friends gather and look into a hole at their feet. Charlie’s voice cries out, “Help!” His friends quickly do the right thing by not telling their parents or calling the police or fire department and instead ran sack their parents garages for rope and flashlights. They return with peanut butter sandwiches and cans of Shasta cola.

They cast the rope down the hole, tie it to a tree stump and shimmy down to the darkness below. “Charlie?” they cry out. “Are you all right?” He doesn’t respond. They turn their flashlights on and realize that they’re in a gigantic cavern. Jasper goes to lean back and puts his palm against the cavern wall and cries out, “Oh, my God! The walls are sticky!” He puts his hand to his nose and smells. “Is this honey?” Steve says, “Why don’t you lick it and see?” “I’m not gonna lick some goo off a cave” Jasper retorts. They start slowly walking with their flashlights in front of them.

Around this time they realize the cavern floor is soft and at this time, they realize that the cavern floor is starting to glow. And what’s glowing is long, golden hair, flowing like rivers. Charlie cries out, “Hey, over here, guys! Look what I found!” They quickly join their friend and look at the ground. A beautiful blonde woman lies on a stone table. She’s wearing crush red velvet pants and a vest. And all of the hair that they’re walking on belongs to her. “Is she dead?” Jasper asks. Charlie says, “No. She’s breathing real slow.”

They gather around her. “What should we do?” Charlie smiles and says, “Did you tell our parents?” “No, you crazy?” says Troy. And then the blonde hair slowly wraps around each of them. Wrapping around their legs, midsection and finally around their heads. And as this happens, they all can quite clearly smell that the goo on the cavern walls is honey.

Shirley Partridge Scene