Tracy Partridge comes home from school and invites her new friend in for milk and cookies. Her Mother Shirley is in the kitchen is making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. She turns and smiles, with all the radiance of a thousand Suns.
“Hi, Tracy! Did you have a good day at school? And who is your little friend?”
“I had a great day at school. I learnded so much, Mommy. This is my friend, Anne. Her last name is Frank.”
Shirley asks, “Would you like to stay for dinner?“
Anne smiles, “Yes, thank you. I’d love to stay for dinner.“
“Well“, asks Shirley. “Why don’t you call your parents?”
Anne stares down at the floor, looking uncomfortable.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Shirley asks.
“I don’t have any parents. The Brown Goblins ate them all up.”
Shirley frowns and hisses under her breath, “Brown Goblins.”
“Where do you live, child?” Shirley Made out of Concern asks.
“Sometimes in the park. In the bushes. I have a comb, so I can comb my hair when I go to school.”
Shirley gets on her left knee, puts her hands on Anne’s shoulders and says, “You’re home now.” She yells out, “Keith! Can you get the attic ready? We have a new houseguest.”
Laurie walks in and says, “Hey, can you play an instrument?”
Anne nervously smiles and says, “I’m pretty good at the recorder.”
Laurie smiles. “Looks like we got a new band member.”
For the past two years, I’ve been torn between starting a new Cult Session based completely on the Number Fun Hide and Seek Champion, Anne Frank. But then, I would look at my Partridge Family board game and think, “No, I have to stick with the first Family of Fun.”
Then finally, as I was meditating, the classic saying flashed on me, “You Can’t Serve Two Gods” It was at that moment that I remember that our founder, Adam Sleek, before he died, had a band in Boulder, Colorado called Anne Frank on Crank. A silly name. My sister told me at the time, “Isn’t that strange that Adam Sleek had a band with “Anne Frank” in the name?” I did think it was odd, but forgot about it until this Autumn. I realized, it was Adam’s parting shot to me, “Hey, I turned you on to the Partridge Family, the best band in the world. Now, you’re gonna bookend it with the grooviest Hide Anne Seek Freak that the world has ever known.”
And at that point, I remembered my reoccurring dreams about Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Because, it just doesn’t really make sense to have a religion based on The Partridge Family and to add Anne Frank to the mix. But just like chocolate supposedly wasn’t supposed to be in the peanut butter, and the peanut butter supposedly wasn’t supposed to be in the chocolate, this makes perfect, psychedelic sense. I feel like I have two, round spinning wheels on each arm. One’s The Partridge Family, the other wrote a diary. And they both spell “Point Me in the Direction of Albuquerque.”
Some Partridge People might not dig the Anne Frank Scene. Some may only dig the Partridge Trip. But some God Freaks might smile at an All-You-Can-Fun buffet.
“SECRET ANNEX YOGA”
The Partridge Family Temple is pleased to announce a NEW & IMPROVED! form of the God-Head Eastern Union.
SECRET ANNEX YOGA STUDIO!
What is it, you ask with mouth wet-wide?
Like Ray Kroc said, “Keep it simple.”
SECRET ANNEX YOGA!
Is a new offshoot of the ancient God Reality Scene called “yoga”.
They say that, “Silence is Golden” and Shirley Partridge with her warm and reassuring smile, would smile as she poured you a glass of Nervous Mother milk.
Simply put, we are all part of the Secret Annex Scene. Inside of us, is the Eternal Spirit, Anima Frank who is in hiding because of the Brown Goblins.
Give the brown goblins the silent treatment!
The Brown Goblins are everywhere clambering to distract you from the true YOU.
Here is what to do:
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Find a Secret Place to set your yoga mat and then sit down in whatever yogi position that is most comfortable to you.
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Don’t strain. Anne doesn’t like fake laughter at a luncheonette. Extra pickle please!
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Now you’re ready! Begin by chanting, “Can I be Anne Frank with you?”
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Don’t expect anything right away. Eventually, if your SECRET ANNEX YOGA! is pure of heart, God will respond, “Yes, you can. Yes, you can, be Anne Frank with me.”
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To find your inner Anne Frank, you must first find the Seven people that she shares the Secret Annex with. You must become close confidants with them. Some will be easier than others.
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Once you’ve made friends with all Seven Secret Annex inhabitants and have mastered to be as silent as the mouse in Walt Disney’s hand made of statue, than you will experience the bliss of Anne Frankincense.
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You don’t know how difficult the Matterhorn at Disneyland is to climb. This isn’t going to be easy because the higher you climb, the more Brown Goblins you’re going to attract.
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Brown Goblins never get tired. They’re always hungry for All-You-Can-Eat Lie Pie. Not only can they never get their fill, they never order it “Lie a la Mode”. Anne would never have a slice of pie without a scoop of delicious ice cream!
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Again, I can’t stress enough; don’t underestimate the Brown Goblins! To prove my point, when you wake up tomorrow, try not having breakfast with the Brown Goblins. Oops! What’s that? Did I just hear a Brown Goblin ask for you to past the toast and jam? See what I mean?
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You’re going to need to Turn-On to the Nostril Scene. Imagine that your nose is a rudder steering your Secret Annex. After all, your left nostril is named “Anne” and your right nostril is named “Frank”.
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Now INHALE the FLOWER POWER!
