{"id":962,"date":"2015-10-25T06:21:31","date_gmt":"2015-10-25T06:21:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/?p=962"},"modified":"2016-07-31T01:56:50","modified_gmt":"2016-07-31T01:56:50","slug":"duncan-hines-and-occult-glass-of-milk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/2015\/10\/25\/duncan-hines-and-occult-glass-of-milk\/","title":{"rendered":"Duncan Hines and Occult Glass of Milk"},"content":{"rendered":"

Danny walks into the living room yelling out, “Mom! I’m home! Are there any cookies to eat? And I brought my friend Pete home from school!”<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Shirley pops her head out of the kitchen and sings, “I’m baking a fresh batch of pumpkin caramel sugar cookies right now.”<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny says, “Okay! Me and my friend are going to go play in my room.”<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny pulls out his Stay Alive board game. As Pete turns around to comment on Danny’s Strange Change toy, Danny jumps on top of him from behind, pushes him to the floor, wraps his freckled claws around his neck and viciously\u00a0strangles him to death. Danny makes sure that Pete has soiled his dungarees his mother bought last week before pushing him underneath his bed, hiding him. Danny walks into the kitchen and says, “Mom, Pete went home. Are those cookies done?”<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Laurie is thumbing through her McCalls magazine when Danny and and a girl from his school with blonde braids bursts through the door. “This is my friend Jennifer from school. She’s paying me a quarter for bass lessons. I’ll be upstairs in my room.”<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny uses his feet to push the dead, strangled Jennifer under his bed to hide.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny walks in the front door on a Saturday afternoon with a little blonde boy named Roger who was a grade below him but Danny still liked him. It helped that Roger had one of the biggest collections of rocket ships which they \u00a0would launch on the weekends. No one was home so Danny strangled his little friend on the living room carpet laughing hysterically as the little boy’s dungarees pooled with piss. He then dragged\u00a0the dead weight up the stairs into his bedroom, stashing him in his closet.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny was playing Gnip Gnop with the summer exchange student from France named Emily. She was winning and was an absolutely wonderful summer vacation friend. But that didn’t change the fact that Danny was going to strangle her to death and crush her trachea after she won the Gnip Gnop game.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny pushed his heavy trunk with flower decals against his closet to try to keep the closet door shut. The closet was so full of bodies that the door was starting to pop open\u00a0much too frequently.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny knocked Jacob unconscious from behind with his Tonka truck breaking Jacob’s thick glasses. Danny slowly pulled the shoe lace from Jacob’s twitching tennis shoe. Then he took the shoe lace, wrapped it around Jacob’s throat that would never swallow a salisbury steak TV dinner again and choked him to death. And when he was done choking him to death, he choked him so more. This went on all afternoon until Danny had almost severed Jacob’s head from his neck with the severity of Danny’s shoe lace fun.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Danny had just pushed Linda’s fat, dead body under his bed. He couldn’t believe there was room left. As he was pushing the body, he was thinking, “I wonder if those Duncan Hines brownies Mom was cooking are done.”\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n

Right then, Shirley knocks and opens the door with a fresh plate of Duncan Hines brownies and a glass of milk. She sees Linda’s leg poking out from underneath Danny’s bed. She puts the brownies and milk down on Danny’s dresser. She gets on her hands and knees, looking underneath the bed. She looks in the closet. She looks in his trunk. She looks behind his desk. She turns around with tears streaming down her cheek. “Oh, Danny. My sweet Danny. I worry about you sometimes. I just don’t know\u00a0what to do anymore. You’ve\u00a0always been such an unusual child. But today I realize I have nothing to worry about. You have so many friends.”<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n

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Danny walks into the living room yelling out, “Mom! I’m home! Are there any cookies to eat? And I brought my friend Pete home from school!” Shirley pops her head out of the kitchen and sings, “I’m baking a fresh batch of pumpkin caramel sugar cookies right now.” Danny says, “Okay! Me and my friend […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-962","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-danny"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2wBFt-fw","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/962","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=962"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/962\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1156,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/962\/revisions\/1156"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=962"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=962"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=962"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}