{"id":565,"date":"2013-10-15T06:47:14","date_gmt":"2013-10-15T06:47:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/?p=565"},"modified":"2013-10-15T06:50:50","modified_gmt":"2013-10-15T06:50:50","slug":"you-wake-up-in-utter-black-white","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/2013\/10\/15\/you-wake-up-in-utter-black-white\/","title":{"rendered":"LET THE TV BE YOUR GUIDE"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"tvgphoto-738175\"<\/a>You wake up in utter blackness. No sky. No earth. Just forever made of black. Suddenly a dog barks. You turn around. The dog runs up to you. You get on your hands and knees and check the dog collar; it says, \u201cSimone\u201d.<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u201cSimone\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/span><\/h4>\n

The dog barks and shakes it\u2019s head and starts to trot away. You follow but then you stop. For floating high above you, is a gigantic, beautiful, blonde woman wearing crushed, red velvet pants and matching vest, her shirt ruffled and white. She starts to sing, and as she sings, pinpoints of light appear. Newly born stars; and then the stars begin to sing.<\/span><\/h4>\n

And as they sing, the gigantic, blonde woman\u2019s stomach starts to Jiffy Pop, pregnant-swell. She rotates in the black void and smiles at you. Now she\u2019s naked. From her blonde, honey cave hideout emerges a gigantic, yellow and blue egg. She floats away and all is silent.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Then the egg starts to roll back and forth and the yellow top is separated from the blue bottom as it loudly cracks in half. You can\u2019t move and are hardly breathing. Shadowy beings climb out of the egg. You can\u2019t quite make them out. Then they start walking towards you.<\/span><\/h4>\n

Keith. Laurie. Danny. Tracy. Two Christophers; one with blonde hair and one with brown. You know them. You know their names but you don\u2019t know why. Then you notice the others. A young girl clasping a diary. Lancelot Link. Marcia Brady. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. The Banana Splits. Brandon & Brenda Walsh. JonBenet Ramsey. The cast from Seinfeld. Helen Keller & her Guru. Maude. Nate Archibald. Blair Waldorf. A man with a falsetto playing a ukulele. Bobby Sherman. The Goatfish Man. Flip Wilson & Geraldine. Snake Plissken. That loveable Hazel.<\/span><\/h4>\n

You hear a golden voice behind you.<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u201cDo you love my children?\u201d<\/span><\/h4>\n

You turn around and the gigantic blonde woman is floating on a gigantic, lotus flower dripping with sticky, incense honey.<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know\u201d, you stammer nervously.<\/span><\/h4>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s alright child. They love you and you are love.\u201d<\/span><\/h4>\n

She kisses you on your brow and whispers into your ear, \u201cWake up.\u201d<\/span><\/h4>\n

You open your eyes. You\u2019re in your bed. \u201cWas that a dream?\u201d you wonder aloud. Just then your door burst open and Danny Partridge barges his way into your room yelling, \u201cHey, goofball! Mom said to wake up. It\u2019s time for breakfast. I hope you like omelets. Mom makes the best omelets in Albuquerque!\u201d<\/span><\/h4>\n

You hop out of bed and smile. You have never felt so turned-on in your life! As you follow Danny into the kitchen of God, he gives you a TV Guide. You stare in amazement\u2026 you\u2019re on the cover!<\/span><\/h4>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You wake up in utter blackness. No sky. No earth. Just forever made of black. Suddenly a dog barks. You turn around. The dog runs up to you. You get on your hands and knees and check the dog collar; it says, \u201cSimone\u201d. \u201cSimone\u2019s your name?\u201d The dog barks and shakes it\u2019s head and starts […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-565","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-tv-god-power"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2wBFt-97","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=565"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":572,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/565\/revisions\/572"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=565"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=565"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thepartridgefamilytemple.org\/albuquerque\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=565"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}